Friday, November 14, 2014

Fantastic Four Movie

For now, I will trust that Josh Trank knows what he's doing.  He'll do something surprising and Chronicle-esque and everyone will like it but later realize they'd still rather see these characters with the rest of the Marvel characters.

Alternatively, it'll suck huge because audiences don't want another origin story and don't want superheroes in isolation.  They want interaction with other known characters, but the FF won't even be in the same universe as X-Men.  So they're screwed.

Either way, Fox gives the FF movie rights back to Marvel (while keeping X-Men), or does some kinda sharing thing, and we get an Infinity War after-credits with the Illuminati - Black Bolt, Iron Man, Dr. Strange, Black Panther, Namor, and Reed Richards.

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Thursday, November 13, 2014

Winter Soldier + Black Widow Movie

Open in Russia, Bucky on a job.  He completes it because he's a badass and goes back to whatever safehouse hole-in-the-wall he's staying in.  Eventually, he sleeps.  But it's troubled sleep because he's a troubled dude.

Cut to the train scene from Captain America.  Bucky falls, but is still alive.  He's found by Russian HYDRA, because HYDRA's freaking everywhere in this universe.  Cut that scene short, because we can't give away too much too early, and Bucky awakens to find Black Widow in his safe house.  He's got a gun on her, and she asks, "You don't remember me?"  He says, "I don't remember much."  She starts to tell him about their past.  He doesn't believe her, except that he really does, but love or some shit.

They go around shooting a bunch of people in the head while we're shown flashbacks of their past adventures over the decades.  He was trained, brainwashed, given a Cable-arm, and frozen whenever he wasn't on a mission.  She was trained, given a knock-off super solider serum that enhanced her (but not as much as Cap) and slowed her aging considerably.  Bucky wasn't given the same serum because reasons.

As Widow and Bucky go about dismantling the Russian equivalent of Weapon X, they're stopped by Yelena Belova (as the new Black Widow), Crossbones, and their boss Baron Zemo!  (Except Strucker makes more sense for the movies, but whatever.  We'll see whether he makes it out of Avengers 2 or not.)  While recovering from defeat and planning their next move, Bucky remembers Zemo (or Strucker) playing a part in his past.  Another flashback!  Zemo is a total dick and deserves to die!  Widow comes up with a plan, and Bucky agrees because he knows she's smarter than him.

Widow vs Widow!  Bucky vs Zemo!  Bullets!  Explosions!  Everyone dies except for any of the named characters!  Redemption!  Closure (mostly)!  Bucky has all his memories back except whatever would be useful for a future movie!  It's awesome!

Cut to Cap... punching things in a dimly lit gym.  In walks Widow.  She's all, "There's someone that would like to see you..."  In walks Bucky.  Tension!  But it's cool, they hug it out.  Buck's all, "I'm better now." and Cap's all, "That's great, but you gotta go.  Literally everyone in the world wants to kill you."

Bucky and Widow leave together, and no one ever mentions Hawkeye.

After credits: Nuke, heading to Africa.  Oh, snap!

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Friday, October 19, 2012

Hulkest Night

End-capping years of Hulk stories, the 2013 event all Marvel fans will be talking about is Hulkest Night.  The Hulk family will never be the same again.

Gray Hulk, Green Hulk, and Red Hulk were just the beginning.  When Wong, Jarvis, and Hawkeye are struck by an irradiated space laser, they become Yellow Hulk, Hulk of the Mystic Arts; White Hulk, with a Hulk-sized superior and condescending attitude; and Purple Hulk, stringing Groot with adamantium string to craft a mighty bow only a Hulk could use.

The Spectrum of Hulks must unite to combat Black Leader.  But who is Black Leader?!  We'll spoil that secret by telling the press the day before the comic is released!

Chief Creative Officer Joe Quesada had this to add, "We'd already done every conceivable thing we could to the Green Goliath, so we thought, 'Why not just keep adding colors?'  It seems to be working for Green Lantern!"

Also starring Spider-Man & Wolverine!  For no reason!

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Monday, July 30, 2012

Law & Order: MCU

Set in the Marvel Comics Universe, Law & Order: MCU stars Matt Murdock.  Blind lawyer by day, vigilante Daredevil by night.  Helping local Hell's Kitchen victims and pursuing justice against the criminal element, all while in pursuit of the man at the head of it all - Kingpin.

Aiding Matt Murdock are detectives Munch and Tutuola, while they simultaneously hunt Daredevil for his nightly vigilante activities.

Featuring recurring guests such as Luge Cage, Danny Rand, and Jennifer Walters, both in costume and out.

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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Marvel's War

What's Marvel next big event happening this Fall?  War.

Spider-Man vs Wolverine vs Avengers vs X-Men vs Punisher vs Hulk vs Asgard vs the Phoenix vs Cable vs vampires vs redheads vs clones vs symbiotes vs Leonardo Da Vinci vs evil Reed Richards vs Wolverine vs zombie versions of all the characters vs the future vs Spider-Man in space.

That, or whatever DC did a few years that Marvel thinks people have forgotten about so they can claim it's groundbreaking and new.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles

Open: A tiny ship blasts off from a planet in the deep recesses of space.  Aboard, are four dome-headed figures kept in shadow.  Unbeknownst to our crew, a second ship is in pursuit.

Cut to Earth, a small New York pizza shop in a poor neighborhood.  Running the shop is an aging Asian man (Chow Yun Fat), and his red-headed teenage grand-daughter April (Evan Rachel Wood).  She calls him Grandpa Splinter because he walks with a cane.

A few foot soldiers from the local branch of the Yakuza burst into the shop to give the family a hard time, and demand payment for protection.  They don't have it, but the Yakuza don't want to hear it and promise to return in a few days.

Cut to space, where the two ships are locked in combat.  The ship with our intrepid crew is critically damaged, forcing them to make an emergency landing on a back-water planet.  The ship crashes into the New York harbor under cover of night and make their way to shore, but instead enter into the sewer system.  From within the sewers of New York City, our aliens find discarded couches, tables, and even a television.  Heading to the surface for food, they emerge just behind the pizza shop seen earlier.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Where's Waldo? The Odlaw Ultimatum!


Strap yourself in for the adventure of a lifetime, as Mark Wahlberg dons the stripes in this espionage-filled action thrill ride!  Wahlberg stars as Greg Waldo, ex-CIA.

Waldo is adjusting to his his new civilian life, until his former student-turned-nemesis Victor Odlaw (as portrayed by Will Arnett) resurfaces and frames Waldo for crime he didn't commit.

Can Waldo keep himself out of the spotlight long enough to stop the Odlaw's plans? Will the CIA find him before he can clear his name?  Will he ever take off that ridiculous striped shirt?  The answers to all of these questions and more, in Where's Waldo? The Odlaw Ultimatum!

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